Long story short, I lost my $700 Louis Vuitton wallet today (a gift from my g.ma), along with my driver's license, a bit over $100 in cash, $50 gift card to Cheesecake Factory (!!!), $25 gift card to B&N, various store credit cards, and my SEPTA transpass. I was really sad...but WAIT! Hold up! Before you go and judge me as being materialistic...I would like to share the joy I found in today because of the loss of these silly little possessions.
Can I just say, it freaking sucks when you are pothead-happy all day, singing lalala I love Jesus, thinking about the people you're making cookies for and something terrible goes wrong.
I didn't start acting upset until after I had rushed back and forth from the grocery store (because I think that's where I lost it).
When I got home, I had just finished talking to my co-leader and friend, BK, saying that I was unable to make it to practice. As soon as we hung up, I was SO SAD.
When I say sad, I mean BOOGIES BUBBLING OUT OF MY NOSTRILS+ HURRICANE ELLEN TEARS+WAILING+HICCUPS+VIOLENT SHAKING+ OLDER BROTHER TOTALLY WEIRDED OUT kind of sad. However, this sadness is what ultimately led to what made me smile and joyous today. =)
I realized why I was sad as there were only two things going through my head the whole time: My parents and the fact that I wanted to be with FM so badly. I have never wanted to go to practice as badly as I wanted to today. But even with that, for some reason, God didn't let me go to practice today, and I think I know why.
I wanted to go to practice so that I could share the Gospel that I was reminded of today while I was deeply troubled and challenged to pray for certain brothers and sisters whom have been on my heart. When God decided to stop me from going to practice, when God broke my heart because of it, He confirmed in in my heart, not just my head, the Gospel, freeing me to finally understand what a privilege it is to serve him and to serve his children.
To be in ANY ministry, to be in the presence of other brothers and sisters is such a blessing. What I felt today, I don't know if I'll ever feel it the same way as I did today, but I now know what it means to truly want to serve other people and be heartbroken simply because of the fact that I can't share the GOSPEL. Man, when Paul is bearing his soul out to all those cities, and he is just DYING to be with them so that he can talk about Jesus and the Gospel...I think I got a glimmer of that today...I am so thankful that this is real.
God, You're REAL and I KNOW, I so know, that you are. And ya'know, I really love You. Thanks for breaking my heart today because now I know that you are within me, just like you said, and I can't say I'm completely ready to take on any more heartbreak, but I trust you and I'm holding on to you...and I know that you got me =) And I know it'll be a-otay~
Thanks for making me smile, God!
Love,
Your little Ellen forever
P.S. SMILE BIG, PEOPLE!
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